i woke up at 4:32 PM, sweaty, why am i sweaty? i opened my eyes, and the power is out. why? i got a bill that said 0. so i didn’t pay. why do i have a balance of 4077??? oh. that’s right. it’s been more than 4 weeks since. i had no idea. but my deadlines! no power means no ability to work… i’m… PANICKING
so i called my mom.
frantically pacing in my room, i wait for her to pick up.
“ma….mieeee…..MOMMYYYYYYYY>>>>> PICKDIUIIP THE OIJFONEEE>>>”
“hello”
_____
okay she’ll help me fix it. now, the sun is setting. the light will go out. i. no. like. wtg wtg wtg wtg… ???? … like.. can i stay here? but… i have no light or battery… do i book a hotel? that’s impractical.
omfg i haven’t had good sleep in a while, i already had a plan… the plan… it will need a revision… but,, i have to ,, ,stick,…. fuck it.. let’s go home.
“titaaaa,, T_T, i hav 2 stay here for maybe 2 dayz i forgot to pay my bill i didn’tknowitwasalreadythenextmonthcauseidon’thavetrackoftimeanymore *breathes* and it got disconnected and i have to stay here, PLEASE (╥﹏╥).
“okay. ^^”
and then i was able to calm down.
i breathed.
worry not about what you can’t control.
utilize this moment for rest.
it’s okay to rest.
then i lived.
back with people i was with when things were a little bit simpler.
back when your daily problems are: what to do today? where to go today? what music should i listen to today? should i buy something from the bookstore?
back with people who knew different versions of me but are still bonded with me.
it felt safe.
it felt comfortable.
“this is nice” i thought. “i needed this”
for once, i turned off the cartoons, i took off my headphones, there is no work in front of me. just life. just people. i listened to every sound, i took the time to cook the beef right, to clean the table right, with people i enjoy hanging out with, with a tiny little boy who is supposed to be my nephew but feels like a new acquaintance. he used to just say baby sounds, then he was mean for a while, now he has a personality. i tried to talk to him like an adult and wow, is he old or am i a child. i talked to everyone, and in each conversation, i was finally like a lotus that finally bloomed, not like a frickin AI bot who tries to choose the best dialogue for every response. i felt free.
anyway that story has ended. i discovered i had some sort of addiction to music. i cannot do anything without choosing the right song for the mood, i talk to people with one airpod on idk why, time feels so slow when i have to wait without music on that i feel really anxious without it, and i felt like im always not in the moment because i’m busy letting the world pass by while daydreaming with music on as i go about my day.
i realized this because my airpods ran out of battery on the ride to my family’s place and the scene was completely different. it felt like i was alive, on earth, with other humans who make their conversations around me, and not just in my little world with loud music and random NPCs passing by…. i wish somebody could see that motorbike ride through my eyes and the way i felt like upon seeing it. all i can say is it was beautiful, the world is beautiful, i want to live in it.
so i’ll maybe stop listening for a week but idk…
xiugarnspice
i have too many thoughts to contain in my head drawers
about
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i crawled my way from 25 to 50 percent progress for my monday deadline. as i finished that last project piece, i immediately stood up and groaned from accomplishment. i could’ve put off the work to be done for this, but as i remain grateful for the joys i can enjoy from the fruit of my labor, i carried on.
to be able to enjoy the lavish lifestyle i enjoy, and still have more to give to others, from the sweat and tears that have fallen onto my electronics and equipment, and from the love of those who can foresee my potential, life truly is a bliss.
after gaining a bit of attention from my ig reels, i saw someone comment “censor the w word” or something, meaning “work”. i then saw reels on my explore page of several young adults normalizing not wanting to work. don’t get me wrong, fuck capitalism, but i think one of our core duties as a human is to perform work.
work to create fire from dried leaves and a wooden stick, and idk, what else do you need to start a fire in the wild? work to plant seeds and grow crops for food. work to utilize resources and improve efficiency of work. etc etc, ya already get it, right?
people just want to sit home nowadays finding the easiest way to get big bills. and we all know that, big money don’t come clean, right? in most lines of work like this, you have to sacrifice a bit of your dignity to get more than the rest. i kinda don’t like that.
i would say i have a pretty successful brand, that started from scratch, with help from my family, that i was able to grow into one celebrated by many. all i knew was i like cute pictures and i wanted to turn them into something tangible, and post whatever about them i wanted, however i wanted. okay that was so literal, i could’ve Sylvia Pathed that a bit.
it involved a lot of step backs, huge mistakes and harsh criticism. it took a lot of grit to build that. oh i remembered something! i read a character from Silo say “it takes more power to build than to burn”, i forgot what they were talking about but that stuck with me. big money burns some or a lot as it builds, and i only want to build and not burn any.
having this limitation to what i would do for money, i can only dream of a lifestyle that’s better than average, but not a more extravagant one. and honestly, i’m down for that! i’m agreeable to a lifestyle where i can treat myself to some luxuries every now and then, and still have more to look for. and as i look for more, i work harder, use my brain, my body, and my blood to get dough and break that bread!
yet i am still under the delusion that someday, i’ll make it really big. i don’t try to rush my rise but rather, i live in the moment, doing what i can, everyday, learning everything and anything there is to learn from the ground up. and this is how build myself.
i keep my hands to myself, but i will confess that i’m still a little bit lonely. but why is it so hard? to find someone like me? oftentimes, i get criticized for “thinking too much like a man” despite me having a childlike personality. frequently meant as an insult because they fall in love with my charm and cute antics, but once they see the strength i build on the daily, what i can accomplish with just myself, they often wonder, then, what would i need from them?
i think most of them should have risen to my caliber and not resented me for being more than what i look like. sure they’ll want to improve and get better for you, but not because it’s love, it’s competition. so this insecurity shows up in random comments, small acts of defiance, and many more. some did try to pick me up and hold my hand as i help myself stand up with them, but there’s this unspeakable feeling of betrayal, still.
wouldn’t you want another you, that you can also nurture, someone you adore so much you’ll allow her to be the witness to your person? why be scared of me? when you can be scared of what we can accomplish together. we have a superpower no friend can offer you. we learn to control how our emotions affect our behavior and with that knowledge, act as a compass not just to the right decision, but the better one.
“nobody calls you honey, when you’re sitting on a throne” i rinse and repeat as a cure for this loneliness, so i can toil for a better me, everyday, until the one i can sit next to comes and treat me like how i should. -
soo, i like to think and write. and i love me. so i’m going to write about myself. narcissistic? tell that to all my exes.
the previous week was a haze, 18/7, i was hunched over my desk working my full-time job and my projects.
my last shuteye was Jul 19 Sat 7:43 AM and i woke up at 9:55 PM
i had my leftover spinach garlic shrimp pasta and a cup of Napoli americano with a teaspoon of honey while mindlessly scrolling through my IG reels
i haven’t showered for a full day so i decided to do an everything reset shower to enter Sunday
i brushed all my hair to my forehead, tied it with a ponytail, and cut an inch and a half off. my last haircut was in the last year, it is now 7 months into the current year, you can imagine the split ends. i have never been to a hair stylist who cut my hair the way i like, so i’m just gotta start chopping it off myself. i’m gonna let it grow longer as it is for now.
japanese teenage girl shampoo brand to strip my hair of oil and grease
ketoconazole shampoo to combat dandruff and hairfall
a moisturizing bar on my cotton washcloth and scrub i go
brightening soap to lighten my previous wounds
a viral japanese hair mask to let sit while i respond to business emails in the shower
i like showering in warm water. maybe because it mimics a human hug all the while stimulating my blood vessels to dilate as i aggressively scrub my body with a washcloth XD i noticed how rough i can be with myself sometimes so i like to remind myself to take a pause, breathe, and move gently.
washed my face with a korean cleanser that i have no special feelings for, dried my face, and got started with the gentlest peeling gel i’ve tried in my life. after all the warm cleansing, i cooled down with cold water to close all my pores and lock the goodness in.
i’m using a soothing essence toner that didn’t work well for my face on my body. instead of throwing it out why not just have an extra moisturizing step after a shower? i like to put cocoa butter on the driest parts of my skin so that’s what i did. while i let the butter absorb, i got started with my face care. i got a japanese troubled skin system from my last trip to Tokyo and i never use anything else anymore. simple is better.
i then put a hair oil and started blow drying my hair.
i’ve been filming my after shower routine because i liked the song i was listening to in the shower. the lyrics represented exactly how i’ve been feeling and as usual, shower thoughts came in. the first half of 2025, and honestly even the previous year, was filled with hurts and wounds and i started realizing i could not take it anymore. i have to outgrow everything and everyone in my old life so i can grow into my new one. the song had specific parts that accurately articulated situations i personally experienced. i wanted to try and cut those parts to use as a background audio for a new video.
oh, i also like to film stuff.
not professionally, i just like to document my life. sometimes i try to be creative about it, sometimes, not.
where was i?
oh yeah. i put a british rose scented body lotion, got dressed with a basic brown plaid skirt, black tank top, black cropped hoodie, and my new black heels from my favorite shoe brand at the moment. i got it on sale ^^ i like to shop but sometimes, i think i like it too much, so to try and compromise with myself, i decided to only buy things if they are on sale, they always do anyway! *ehem* that fast-fashion brand that starts with a letter b goes on sale and everything becomes 70% off if you wait long enough during the sale.
it was already past midnight when i went out. a new day has come.
July 20 Sun 12 1:26 AM
xiugarnspice 