xiugarnspice

i crawled my way from 25 to 50 percent progress for my monday deadline. as i finished that last project piece, i immediately stood up and groaned from accomplishment. i could’ve put off the work to be done for this, but as i remain grateful for the joys i can enjoy from the fruit of my labor, i carried on.

to be able to enjoy the lavish lifestyle i enjoy, and still have more to give to others, from the sweat and tears that have fallen onto my electronics and equipment, and from the love of those who can foresee my potential, life truly is a bliss.

after gaining a bit of attention from my ig reels, i saw someone comment “censor the w word” or something, meaning “work”. i then saw reels on my explore page of several young adults normalizing not wanting to work. don’t get me wrong, fuck capitalism, but i think one of our core duties as a human is to perform work.

work to create fire from dried leaves and a wooden stick, and idk, what else do you need to start a fire in the wild? work to plant seeds and grow crops for food. work to utilize resources and improve efficiency of work. etc etc, ya already get it, right?

people just want to sit home nowadays finding the easiest way to get big bills. and we all know that, big money don’t come clean, right? in most lines of work like this, you have to sacrifice a bit of your dignity to get more than the rest. i kinda don’t like that.

i would say i have a pretty successful brand, that started from scratch, with help from my family, that i was able to grow into one celebrated by many. all i knew was i like cute pictures and i wanted to turn them into something tangible, and post whatever about them i wanted, however i wanted. okay that was so literal, i could’ve Sylvia Pathed that a bit.

it involved a lot of step backs, huge mistakes and harsh criticism. it took a lot of grit to build that. oh i remembered something! i read a character from Silo say “it takes more power to build than to burn”, i forgot what they were talking about but that stuck with me. big money burns some or a lot as it builds, and i only want to build and not burn any.

having this limitation to what i would do for money, i can only dream of a lifestyle that’s better than average, but not a more extravagant one. and honestly, i’m down for that! i’m agreeable to a lifestyle where i can treat myself to some luxuries every now and then, and still have more to look for. and as i look for more, i work harder, use my brain, my body, and my blood to get dough and break that bread!

yet i am still under the delusion that someday, i’ll make it really big. i don’t try to rush my rise but rather, i live in the moment, doing what i can, everyday, learning everything and anything there is to learn from the ground up. and this is how build myself.

i keep my hands to myself, but i will confess that i’m still a little bit lonely. but why is it so hard? to find someone like me? oftentimes, i get criticized for “thinking too much like a man” despite me having a childlike personality. frequently meant as an insult because they fall in love with my charm and cute antics, but once they see the strength i build on the daily, what i can accomplish with just myself, they often wonder, then, what would i need from them?

i think most of them should have risen to my caliber and not resented me for being more than what i look like. sure they’ll want to improve and get better for you, but not because it’s love, it’s competition. so this insecurity shows up in random comments, small acts of defiance, and many more. some did try to pick me up and hold my hand as i help myself stand up with them, but there’s this unspeakable feeling of betrayal, still.

wouldn’t you want another you, that you can also nurture, someone you adore so much you’ll allow her to be the witness to your person? why be scared of me? when you can be scared of what we can accomplish together. we have a superpower no friend can offer you. we learn to control how our emotions affect our behavior and with that knowledge, act as a compass not just to the right decision, but the better one.

“nobody calls you honey, when you’re sitting on a throne” i rinse and repeat as a cure for this loneliness, so i can toil for a better me, everyday, until the one i can sit next to comes and treat me like how i should.