xiugarnspice

i woke up at 4:32 PM, sweaty, why am i sweaty? i opened my eyes, and the power is out. why? i got a bill that said 0. so i didn’t pay. why do i have a balance of 4077??? oh. that’s right. it’s been more than 4 weeks since. i had no idea. but my deadlines! no power means no ability to work… i’m… PANICKING

so i called my mom.

frantically pacing in my room, i wait for her to pick up.

“ma….mieeee…..MOMMYYYYYYYY>>>>> PICKDIUIIP THE OIJFONEEE>>>”

“hello”
_____

okay she’ll help me fix it. now, the sun is setting. the light will go out. i. no. like. wtg wtg wtg wtg… ???? … like.. can i stay here? but… i have no light or battery… do i book a hotel? that’s impractical.

omfg i haven’t had good sleep in a while, i already had a plan… the plan… it will need a revision… but,, i have to ,, ,stick,…. fuck it.. let’s go home.

“titaaaa,, T_T, i hav 2 stay here for maybe 2 dayz i forgot to pay my bill i didn’tknowitwasalreadythenextmonthcauseidon’thavetrackoftimeanymore *breathes* and it got disconnected and i have to stay here, PLEASE (╥﹏╥).

“okay. ^^”

and then i was able to calm down.

i breathed.

worry not about what you can’t control.

utilize this moment for rest.

it’s okay to rest.

then i lived.

back with people i was with when things were a little bit simpler.

back when your daily problems are: what to do today? where to go today? what music should i listen to today? should i buy something from the bookstore?

back with people who knew different versions of me but are still bonded with me.

it felt safe.

it felt comfortable.

“this is nice” i thought. “i needed this”

for once, i turned off the cartoons, i took off my headphones, there is no work in front of me. just life. just people. i listened to every sound, i took the time to cook the beef right, to clean the table right, with people i enjoy hanging out with, with a tiny little boy who is supposed to be my nephew but feels like a new acquaintance. he used to just say baby sounds, then he was mean for a while, now he has a personality. i tried to talk to him like an adult and wow, is he old or am i a child. i talked to everyone, and in each conversation, i was finally like a lotus that finally bloomed, not like a frickin AI bot who tries to choose the best dialogue for every response. i felt free.

anyway that story has ended. i discovered i had some sort of addiction to music. i cannot do anything without choosing the right song for the mood, i talk to people with one airpod on idk why, time feels so slow when i have to wait without music on that i feel really anxious without it, and i felt like im always not in the moment because i’m busy letting the world pass by while daydreaming with music on as i go about my day.

i realized this because my airpods ran out of battery on the ride to my family’s place and the scene was completely different. it felt like i was alive, on earth, with other humans who make their conversations around me, and not just in my little world with loud music and random NPCs passing by…. i wish somebody could see that motorbike ride through my eyes and the way i felt like upon seeing it. all i can say is it was beautiful, the world is beautiful, i want to live in it.

so i’ll maybe stop listening for a week but idk…